Imagine my horror when I turned on Celebrity Best Home Cook to find Rachel Johnson presenting a goat’s cheese and spinach frittata.
As proven by Celebrity Masterchef- the ultimate cooking competition (with a winning formula of disastrous mass catering challenges, failed fondants, and a homoerotic bromance between John Torode and Gregg Wallace)- there are precisely five types of celebrity cooking show contestant:
Olympians- these folk tend to do well as they can multitask, know nutritious, tasty food like the back of their hand, and are ridiculously competitive (Sam Quek, Greg Rutherford and Matthew Pinsent all put in excellent performances)
National Treasures- this contestant usually wins the heart of the nation, makes you laugh and cry, fucks up somewhere in the middle but finds a newfound grit and determination, and always cooks from the heart no matter what. I’m looking at you Les Dennis and Wayne Sleep.
Kooky Underdogs- the kind of person you assume would be terrible at cooking, but then discovers a passion they never knew they had (Rylan, Vicky Pattison and Riyadh Khalaf are notable examples)
Hot Messes- the kind of person you assume would be terrible at cooking, and then they are. Gemma Collins, Sinitta and Baga Chipz all fit this mould.
Competent Cooks- completely smash the competition from the beginning and make you dream of going to their house for dinner (Angelica Bell, Kimberly Wyatt and Ade Edmonson all went on to win their respective series)
Rachel Johnson would never appear on Celebrity Masterchef. Because, for a very good reason, there isn’t a category for Prime Minister’s Relatives. Why Boris Johnson’s sister is on BBC ONE at 9pm every Tuesday night vying to make a family-sized mac and cheese is beyond me. However, this isn’t her first foray into reality television, having appeared on Celebrity Big Brother in 2018 alongside Drag Race alumni Courtney Act and dogmatic dinosaur Ann Widdecombe.
Despite Rachel’s promises following her CBB elimination that she was “definitely not going to do any reality TV again”, she’s back.
Of course, she isn’t the only Johnson who’s gotten in on the action.
Their father, Stanley, tainted a series of I’m a Celeb in 2017 before going on to make appearances on shows such as The Real Marigold Hotel, Celebrity Hunted and, most recently, Celebrity Gogglebox, during which Georgia “Toff” Toffolo taught him how to upload a selfie to Instagram.
Anyone with any connection to Johnson appears to be cashing in on their links to the PM and bagging a spot on whatever show manages to cough up the right fee. Jennifer Acuri, whose controversial ties with Boris ended with him being investigated for misconduct in public office, was also set to star in a celeb version of Hunted on Channel 4 before COVID-19 postponed production.
Mark my words, in ten months time we’ll all be watching The Masked Singer as Davina McCall screams “take it off!” at a praying mantis, who turns out to be a sweaty Jo Johnson belting out a ropey rendition of Copacabana. Speaking of Jo Johnson, being made a lord by one’s own brother, is never a good look.
When I expressed my annoyance to a friend, they didn’t share my irritation. ‘They’re not Boris, Ben.' Fair enough, is there any harm in watching Stanley dye his hair orange before going on the run with ‘unlikely, but not that unlikely’ friend Toff? And how much damage could be done witnessing Carrie Symonds tackle the headbanger on a future series of Dancing on Ice?
The answers are yes and a lot.
The Johnsons have notably always been a media-keen family, despite Boris’ insistance that the more nefarious aspects of his private life, and number of children, are off-limits. Because beneath the self-deprecating and bumbling personas cultivated by the Johnson clan, they are all cut-throat, highly educated and astute operators who are out do one thing: campaign. And at a time in our history where the Prime Minister has helmed a disastrous response to a national crisis with a horrifyingly high and avoidable death toll, it needs to stop. The very day the U.K. passed 100,000 deaths, scientists were citing “a legacy of poor decisions", but the Prime Minister’s sister was on the small screen guffawing about how she “can’t cook an egg.”
You may argue that there’s a bit of transference going on here. Rachel Johnson has a career in her own right and her politics are not necessarily aligned with her brother’s, as well as the schedulers being unable to predict the tragic events of yesterday. But the very reason that the two events were able to coincide should be cause for alarm- because his family are there to maintain an illusion that Boris “gets it” and, when all is said and done, is a harmless oaf who we can love (and forgive) a little bit.
This is undoubtedly a team effort. It’s no coincidence that the day Boris became Tory Leader, ITV re-aired an episode of The Chase Stanley appeared on. And in her recent book (Rake’s Progress), Rachel herself acknowledges “If I hadn’t been born [Boris] would probably not be prime minister.”
Among recent British leaders, Margaret Thatcher had a sister and Blair/Cameron a brother, none of whom we were ever forced to endure in public, despite frequent media requests. Only Terry Major-Ball, John Major's idiosyncratic elder sibling, ever came close to causing the kind of furore that Stanley Johnson can by frequenting the This Morning sofa. Perhaps the cultural zeitgeist is missing something having never witnessed Alexander Cameron eating a pigs’ anus (a favourite of David’s) in the Australian jungle, but I think we can survive without it.
Because inviting the Johnsons into our homes under the guise of a friendly reality competition (sometimes even for-shock horror- charity) does one thing: makes them palatable. These shows have become a way for the Johnsons to endear themselves to the public in a country where self-deprecation is an art form. It’s free PR for them, and more importantly, their relative.
If the careers of Donald Trump and Boris Johnson have taught us anything, it’s that power and popularity won through celebrity, and the falsely reassuring public personas it often involves, can be brutally abused, particularly when it is transferred from single-issue campaigning to the grind of daily politics. And Boris doesn’t even have to court the world of celebrity himself anymore- he has stooges to do it for him.
The fact that Rachel Johnson is on the very public broadcaster that her brother is trying to dismantle and fill with cronies, promoting the Johnson brand when (rumour has it) she is being courted by Rupert Murdoch’s forthcoming Fox-News type channel, raises a few red flags. And don’t forget the fact she went on Good Morning Britain in September 2018, to defend her brother’s racist attitudes about Muslim women, saying his comments about the burka didn’t “go far enough” and called for a full ban in the UK. The Johnsons’ chronic, bottomless need for attention knows no bounds. And we should all be worried about it.
Having the Johnson clan appear on the nation’s favourite TV shows helps build up a base of popular recognition; fame that helps to enable the Torys to enjoy the continued polling success of the Johnson government. It’s not the only reason, I know, but the apparent willingness of Boris’ supporters not only to overlook his constant grotesque lapses of taste and decency is partly fuelled by this illusion that he is a harmless, man of the people, whose buffoonery would make your uncle laugh down the pub. And his family are perpetuating this myth on TV, especially Reality T.V, all the time. Shows like I’m a Celeb and Celebrity Best Home Cook are perfect bookings as they ensure they’re in our lives for long stretches of time, week on week, ingratiating Boris with voters.
Boris, after all, would probably not be in 10 Downing Street today if he hadn’t established a cosy relationship with millions of voters through his appearances on Have I Got News For You. Sonia Purnell’s biography of Boris, describes his appearances on the BBC stalwart as “pop culture classics.” She goes on to state: “In the end, his TV career may have proved his greatest electoral asset.”
As always, the alarm bells have been there from the beginning. During Johnson’s first appearance on HIGNFY, he was asked about the incriminating recording of him offering to help find the address of a journalist so his mate (who was later convicted of fraud) could beat them to a pulp. The audience howled with laughter.
Over his six appearances, you can see Boris honing his maladroit persona. Even back then he would meticulously mess up his hair just before the cameras rolled. For one appearance, he was even nominated for a BAFTA. A BAFTA. Look, HIGNFY can’t be accused of being pro-Boris or pro-Brexit, as they rarely pass up an opportunity to take the piss out of either. However, Have I Got News For You is a fantastic place to turn a public persona around. Alastair Campbell, Tony Blair’s former director of communications who was accused of overstating the case for Britain and America to invade Iraq, arguably used appearances to make himself seem less of a war criminal.
Some may say that instances such as Stanley going on national telly to tell the UK public that they “couldn't spell Pinocchio” does more harm than good, but don’t forget Stanley was on the BBC’s Victoria Derbyshire Show with a different message- that it is “utterly absurd and wrong that you can read out on air a tweet coming in from one of your readers which calls the prime minister a liar. I think it is amazing you can do that.” His family act as apologists whilst Boris avoids accountability.
Stanley Johnson does not have a formal role in government or the Conservative party, but he played a part in the election campaign of his son. Don’t forget he turned up at the Channel 4 leaders’ debate as part of the Conservatives’ attempt to have Michael Gove appear in place of the prime minister. Because despite Stanley’s liability, he delivers what Boris wants, a distraction. Because if we’re looking at Stanley being a jester, we’re not thinking about policy.
Back to Rachel on Celebrity Best Home Cook. Yes, former MP Ed Balls is on the same show. However, Yvette Cooper isn’t running the country, nor is she likely to be any time soon. Also, an ex MP pursuing a TV career is very different to Tory MP Nadine Dorries’ stint on I’m a Celeb and subsequent failure to declare her £82,000 fee in 2012.
Furthermore, Victoria Starmer isn’t on Channel 4 competing in Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins, is she? Although, I wouldn’t have put it past some bright spark to have tried to rope Piers Corbyn into Celebrity Coach Trip. I would be levelling the same criticisms at other political leaders who did this. The point is, they’re not.
Admittedly, Boris hasn’t gone the whole hog and given his family crucial jobs like Trump did in his administration (choosing instead to award millions of pounds worth of public money in contracts for his mates) but his kith and kin have a far more valuable job: amplifying the brand.
Amplifying the brand is why we have Times articles about Rachel Johnson giving her Somerset farmhouse a colourful makeover, Stanley Johnson on Loose Women waxing lyrical about the ‘Johnson Family Christmas’ and Boris’ godmother (Rachel Billington) in The Telegraph talking about how pleased she is that Boris has returned to Catholicism. At this point he may as well be a chuffing Kardashian.
Rachel Johnson likes to remind us repeatedly about how much it irritates her being introduced as ‘Rachel Johnson, sister of Boris’ yet used her own recent appearance alongside the Loose Ladies to defend her father’s pub idiocy and offer a critical analysis of Boris’ handling of the pandemic – “I think he’s doing an incredible job.” You can’t have it both ways.
So I say it’s time we de-platform them. Harsh, you might think, but reasonable. If we live in a world where Dancing on Ice contestant Rufus Hound’s comments about the government refusing to feed hungry children led a brigade to call for the show to remain a politically neutral space, then I think I can ask for people to stop providing Boris Johnson’s family with a soapbox at every given opportunity.
Besides, the same people upset by Rufus Hound will most likely be the same people who voted for Ann Widdecombe (who made a lucrative political career out of peddling destructive views) and propelled her straight to the final on CBB. “Ann can’t straighten her hair- so relatable!”
Maybe the same viewers voted to watch Stanley pass bull testicles using nothing but his teeth.
Placing toxic people on a beloved show ensures their opinions and life choices become water under the bridge for the public so long as the offending person can cook a focaccia well.
Recently, there was surprise when Nigel Farage took Phillip Schofield seriously after he was asked if he would consider doing Strictly Come Dancing. Nigel knows these shows beam celebs into millions of homes on a weekly basis, and if he can be further normalised this way, so too will his abhorrent views.
If Farage, Carrie Symonds, or Jo Johnson do end up on Strictly, whatever you do don’t vote for them. And to programme-makers who consider regular Johnson-flattering a defensible exercise, maybe it’s time you start booking Sinitta instead.
Love Ben xx
ONE OTHER THING!
I binged all of Hannah Fidell’s A Teacher this week. It’s an FX show that’s all landed on iPlayer, and as each episode is a sleek twenty five minutes, you can do the whole thing in a day. I think it benefits from this. It’s about a teacher and a student, who have an affair. It’s a non judgmental, knotty, uncomfortable and characterful ride that ultimately emphasises just how differently this abuse of power affects the lead characters.